So I Expand

Up until now I have not experienced death, not really. I’ve lost two grandmothers whom I barely knew and didn’t feel it. This is my first time feeling it, seeing it, and wanting to understand everything that death is.

This morning, I was able to articulate something about the specificity of this pain — one of the reasons it’s so confusing is because it’s both heart contracting pain and heart expanding pain at the very same time.